Urgency,

Anxiety, Perfectionism.

I don't know what to call this feeling that overcomes me sometimes.  It feels like an anxiety that won't go away until everything is finished, done, or in it's place.   And, basically, nothing is ever finished or done or in it's place.  Because there is always something else, or something more, or someone or something that I'm neglecting. Then there's the question of if what I'm spending my time doing is worth spending the time on.  Like dreaming up cute little things for Christmas, when there are people out there worrying if they will have a roof over their head.   Or people who are feeling alone and lost and hopeless.   

So, what's the solution?  I need a very concrete answer, please.  A formula with step by step instructions where, upon completion, everything is done, as it should be, and in it's place.  HA!  That will be the day.  Maybe in the eternities.    And, thinking of the eternities, the knowledge of the plan of life gives me great purpose.  It's just that the need for "completion" sometimes interferes.

I need to find joy in the journey, not the completion.    And I usually do find joy.  But, in the back of my mind there is often this nagging little voice . . .  

So right now I'm telling myself:  Breathe.  Balance.  Breathe.  Balance.

Good Bye Thanksgiving

Hello Messes

Snippits of our Thanksgiving Day

Natalie came over early to help in all the last minute things. I'm so grateful for Natalie, She always brings such a loving spirit with her. I feel blessed to have her as our daughter. After watching a movie later that evening, she and Gary came upstairs and we dismantled the tables and decorations.

She is a sweetheart.,  And, so is Gary.

"Hey Annette,"  That explains my expression.

And the fun and food begins

 After dessert we all descended upon Gary and Lynn's new house.

They were just finishing their dinner

Gary's training as a lawyer came out as he had each child

stand in front as he interrogated them

about what they liked, what they do. 

 It was very sweet. 
The kids love having the attention on them. 

 

And after all that, Ed and Christa were sweet enough to come back to our house so Ed (the chiropractor) could give Natalie and me an adjustment.  I think Ed deserves an extra dessert next time I see him.  What kind should it be?

I feel so blessed.  I guess that's all I can say.  I miss my other daughters, son-in-laws, and grandchildren all the time.  But more important than my missing them, is the knowledge that they are in  marriages and families where they feel loved and cherished.   That they are healthy, that they are striving to be good people, and that because we live in this technological time, I can still be a part of their lives. 

I am very blessed.

"Come on Everybody

and do the Funky Chicken."

That was a cheer we did in high school. 

 It came to mind when I saw these turkeys demonstrated on Studio 5

Link here:  (Glove Turkeys). 

(If you watch it, it shows them at the end of the clip.) 

I'm naming them

"Funky Turkeys."

I'm getting an early start on my table settings. 

Ok, let's be honest.

What I'm actually doing is procrastinating cleaning the bathrooms.

Fellowship among

friends and neighbors.  I think sometimes I don't fully appreciate how blessed I am to live in a neighborhood where lifetime friends have been made and kept. 

We had a baby shower here today for our neighbor and friend, Sharilyn.   Women of all ages came.  Some of them have watched Sharilyn grow up.  Others have just gotten to know her in our ward.  But they all came to celebrate with her and and support her.   It is truly sweet to feel the love and excitement they feel for her, and also to see them catch up with each other. 

Shairlyn's mom, sister, and sister-in-laws basically brought all the food, so all I had to do was clean the house.  I was actually very grateful for that.  Instead of spending the two days before Thanksgiving stressing about the dirty blinds, etc, I got that all done days in advance. 

That's not to say that I won't still be running around like a "turkey" with it's head cut off on Thursday.  But, maybe I'll be running a little slower. 

I was talking

with Misty this morning, and she asked, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "Making a flower for my purse."

"I thought you were through making flowers."

Well, um, I'm through buying fabric for flowers,

but there are still some I want to make."

Misty asks, "You're making them for your purse?"

Yes, I made one for my black purse and now for my red purse.

You have to realize that Misty and I are on the

same page when it comes to purses. 

We are always on the lookout for the "perfect" purse.

We've come very, very close this time.

This summer at the Bear Lake Craft fair we came upon

a booth selling Miche Bags. (google it, and you'll see them)

You buy an inner purse, and then switch out the shells, or outer purses.

Misty got a diaper bag shell and a regular purse shell.

Almost every time I talk to her I ask if she still loves it.

She always says, yes.

Here she is with a big grin on her face as she contemplates

the perfect purse (or diaper bag)

Here is my black purse that I am retiring for a while.

This is the inner bag that the shell folds over on.

Here's a peek in side the inner bag.

And here's my red (for Christmas) outer shell

with the newly attached flower. 

Yup, I think we may be on to something here.

Sometimes

when you look around, you see so much loss and sorrow.  Our neighbor, Don, passed away yesterday.  It makes my heart hurt knowing what his family is going through.   Our other neighbor is battling cancer, and I watch her husband care for her so lovingly.  I don't think you can ever truly understand what a wife or husband feels when their spouse dies.  I've heard so many widows say that it was harder than they ever thought it would be.  I know Mom felt that way.  Even when the spouse is somewhat intellectually prepared, they are still never emotionally prepared for the loss and void they feel. 

I'm hoping Gary and I will be one of those lucky couples that die within a few hours or days of each other.  If that can't happen, I chose to go first.   Believing that our spirits and relationships live on after death is definitely a comfort.  I don't know how people survive the loss if they don't believe that.  But the missing and void and sadness we feel when they are gone, is a natural part of our loving them.

I hope no one's been worried that

the reason I haven't blogged for a few days is because I was "swallowed" by the Deep.  I survived it this time, though It's entirely possible that next time I won't be so lucky.

Actually, I finished the Deep by Saturday noon. (Please keep in mind that "finished is a relative term.)

But then Gary got started trimming the "pitching mounds," as he calls them.

That got me started on cleaning out the outside storage sheds.  By the end of the day, we were both pretty sore and tired.  Ten years ago, I don't think our bodies would have hurt quite so much.  But we felt pretty accomplished, in spite of the soreness.   Then we treated ourselves by going out to dinner.

Yesterday was church, and after Church it was a day of total nothing.  To quote our oft quoted Daughter, Natalie, we "seriously considered vegging all day."  And that's just what we did. Our bodies still hurt. I'm sure yoga tomorrow will just pep me right up, as I can't afford to veg any more days.  Thanksgiving is here next week!

I guess I'll do anything

to avoid going down into the "Deep."

Even blog about the "Deep."

I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:30.

I was determined to get up early (which I did)

and go downstairs to clean out the "Deep."

I mean really clean out the "Deep."

Not just a surface clean out of the "Deep."

Well, I better stop saying "Deep"

and head down there.

FYI:  the Deep is the 4th level storage room.  We've always called it that because, well, just because it fits.  You can probably conjure up images of what is in there.  When Natalie was little, she would talk about the "Deep" to people and didn't understand why they didn't know what she was talking about.  She thought every basement was called the "Deep."

Crockpot Crusade #3

I've repeated some of our our favorite crockpot recipes, and also made a couple I wouldn't make again.  Gary really liked this tomato soup, which kind of surprised me.  I think it was the added green chili kick that he liked.

Slow Cooker Tomato Soup

4 lbs tomatoes roughly chopped
4 cups beef stock (4 Cups water and 4 bouillon cubes)
2 onions finely chopped
5 tbsps sugar
1 teaspoon fresh basil shredded (or dried)
Salt and Pepper to taste
2 tbsps corn starch for thickening
3/4 cup cream
Place tomatoes, stock, onion, sugar, and basil into slow cooker. Cover and cook on high for 3-4 hours or auto/low for 6-8 hours.  Let the mixture cool slightly, then puree in batches. Pour the liquid back into the slow cooker and heat on high for 1-2 hours. If like me you prefer a thicker soup, 1 hour before serving mix the corn starch with about 1/4 cup  and aof the soup mixture, add to the soup, stirring well. 15 minutes before serving add cream to soup and reheat.  

I am not a big pudding fan, but I signed up to take in something soft, like jello or pudding, to a friend and neighbor who is having a hard time swallowing food.   The taste kind of grows on you.

   Slow Cooker Tapioca Pudding

2/3 cup white sugar

1/2 cup small pearl tapioca

2 eggs, lightly beaten

Vanilla if desired

Stir together the milk, sugar, tapioca, and eggs in a slow cooker. Cover, and cook on High for 3 hours, or on Low for 6 hours, stirring occasionally. Serve warm.

More "Heart Awareness"

thoughts.  Tom posed a good question in yesterday’s "Heart Experiment" blog.   "Does our liking to be more alone mean we do not have an open heart?"

Desiring and enjoying solitary time is definitely not being closed-hearted.  In fact, I think finding a contentment with aloneness is a blessing.  You can't do everything and please everyone.  That's why the second rule (opening your heart in the encounters that are already in the natural flow of our lives) is important.

If I had decided not to attend the events I was invited to (which are opportunities that come in the normal course of all our lives), I would not have been hard-hearted. (See previous blog entry if you are totally confused).   But by changing my attitude (another word for heart?), I opened myself up for new experiences, growth, and stronger relationships. It also opened up the possibility of supporting, and perhaps making a difference, to someone else.  Sometimes it's the difference between asking, "What will I get out of it," and "What can I contribute?"

OK, I know this is getting way too philosophical. It shouldn't be this hard. But I guess being aware is what it's all about. I'm realizing that it is really more a matter of looking at people and situations through different lenses--more loving, forgiving, and understanding lenses. It may not even change what we do. It just means that wherever we are, whatever we are doing, and whoever we're with, that we are tuned in and present.


I'll end this too-lenghty discourse with another quote from the book:

“My friends from India greet each other by bringing their hands together, bowing slightly, and saying the Nameste. It means, roughly translated, “I honor the Deity within you. “That is precisely what we do when we open our hearts to another; we honor the fact that he or she, like us, is a child of the same loving Father, worthy of all respect and careful attention.”

Before I started Yoga I had never heard of that word. But that is how we end each Yoga session. As we sit in the lotus position, we put our hands together, bow our heads, and say "Nameste."

NAMASTE  

Heart Awareness Experiment

A few years ago I read the book, “A Heart like His.”  In the book, Virginia H. Pearce chronicles the experiences of a group of women who experimented with the simple concept of opening their hearts. To quote in the introduction,

“Because this experiment is more about becoming than doing, it is simple, doesn’t consume time, actually creates energy, and is therefore self-perpetuating. Although the suggestions are modest and quite easy to implement the outcomes could not be more profound, for we are, after all, in search of a new heart—a heart like His.”

I re-read the book several times last week.  We are using its concepts as the theme for our December Relief Society activity and encouraging everyone to take part in the experiment.    

There are 3 rules to the experiment:

1. 1. Be more aware of the condition of our hearts, and with that awareness keep your heart more open toward others. 
2. 2.  Do this in the encounters that are in the natural flow of our lives, in other words, don’t put extra activities into your day. 
3.  3.  Notice how you feel, and be willing to honestly report what happened or didn’t happen.

This last week, I've thought a lot about those rules as I've tried to be aware of my heart.  In one part of the book, it has you look for "red flags" or "stumbling blocks" that stop you from having an open or soft heart. Stumbling blocks could be feeling hurried or busy.  They could be that you are afraid of being hurt, are self-conscious, too tired, fearful, or unforgiving.  

I'm becoming aware that one stumbling block for me is thinking, "It will take too much mental energy."  I was invited to two different events last week that I would liked to have begged out of.  I really had no good reason not to go, other than it made me tired thinking about the energy it would take to go and socialize.  Talking myself through that, and determining that I was closing my heart, I went to both of these events.  I left both events feeling better for having gone and interacting with others.  It seems silly and simple, really, but to consciously think through it was enlightening.  

This is kind of a hard concept to wrap your mind around.  A couple of quotes from the book that help me are these:  

"Opening one’s heart creates energy.  Closing one’s heart depletes energy."

"An open heart looks outward.  A closed heart looks inward."

PS  Ironically, Gary and I are watching the movie "Pay it Forward" right now.  It is a very sad movie.  I really wish it had a different ending.   But, the message is strong, and fits right into the "Awareness Experiment." 

The experiment continues . . . .. 

       

Taking a break from

this for a moment

(Sadly the middle tree didn't make it) 

 A few remnants of summer fun.

 What a gorgeous November day!

Throwing Away Money

I've been accused of it.  I have to confess that I have also been guilty of it.   And, Gary keeps asking me if I've blogged about it yet. 

I'm afraid I will never be able to live down my "money" experiences at our family reunion last year.   In fact, his summer after I had gotten lost and driven about 90 miles in the wrong direction, Misty said to Jackson, "Guess what Grandma did?"  Jackson didn't miss a beat when he said, "Throw away money?"

It all started last year as I was preparing for our family reunion in Missouri.  I had gotten cash from the bank and was dividing it up and putting it into envelopes for each of the grandchildren.  When I was done I put the "empty" bank envelopes in the garbage can.  The next day, as Gary and I sat at the airport, I was looking through my purse for the $400 in cash I was taking on the trip.  I couldn't find it.  I felt sick.  I retraced in my mind where I had been and how I could have lost the money.  Other than losing it from my purse, the only other thing I could think was that, in all my sorting with the envelopes, I may have mistakenly thrown it in the garbage.  Fortunately, Justin's brother was going to stay in our house while we were gone, so I called Tiffany and asked her to have them look in the garbage can when they got there.

What a relief it was when Tiffany called to say they had found it!   Not long after that while still in Missouri, Misty said, "Mom there is money in this garbage can."  Honestly!  It was not planted.  Somehow my purse had spilled over and bills had fallen into her office garbage can.   But that was not the end of it.  A day later, we picked up Tiffany's family from the airport and had arrived back at Misty's house.  Someone jokingly said, check the garbage cans, Grandma has been throwing away money."  Ashton proceeded to look through that same garbage can, and guess what?  He found $4 more dollars.  Somehow we had not found those bills the first time.  You would have thought Ashton had struck gold!

So, those are my money woes.  I wish they were the only ones!

Does it speak to you?

For our Relief Society activity last Tuesday night, our theme was, "Creating Balance."  We introduced it with the concept that sometimes we just need to make a few minor adjustments to our daily routines in order to feel more peace and joy.  We had presenters share their insights into balancing our physical, emotional, temporal, and spiritual lives.  The physical focused on good diet and exercise. The emotional on deep breathing to diffuse stress. The temporal on creating a home that reflects on what we value and where relationships can flourish,  The spiritual on the importance of sharing spiritual experiences through family home evening and uplifting reading.    It was very inspiring to me.

Gary asked me when I was sewing these aprons for my little "friends," if I was being very balanced in focusing in on them.  I told him "no."  But I had fun doing it, and they do "speak to me."  That was one of the phrases used as a basis for reducing clutter and keeping our homes serene.  Keep only things that "speak to you."  Well, these little mannequins do "speak to me." 

And I did find joy in sewing the little aprons for them.

Here's are some close-ups. 

 

The little "Bee Helpful," and "Bee Tidy,"

are remnants from dish clothes that mom made me for my

trousseau (is there such a thing anymore?)

Yup, they are definitely speaking loudly and clearly to me.

I'm not sure quite sure what they're saying,

but I'm sure it is important.

Yeah Giants!

There's no doubt I have some ecstatic family in Oregon and California right now! 

I actually followed the World Series this year because of their excitement.   

Yeah Giants!