Every once in awhile

I feel the need to get my life in order.  In fact, I have that conversation in my head about everyday.  When I sense my obsessions, diversions, or eating get out of control, I go back and browse the book "Women, Food, and God."

It always brings me back to the concept that eating, or spending, or being OCD about anything, is not about that thing, but rather that "I'm hungry for something I can't name, a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life.  Something deathless, Something sacred."

I know I shared this quote before, but I have been repeating it to myself all day today.  Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron writes, "Never underestimate the inclination to bolt."   What does that mean?  "Distracting yourself from pain or uncertainty by doing a thousand things instead of feeling or getting emotionally involved."  "There is something else that is happening as well: the refusal to accept--and therefore engage in--life as it is.  In the way things are.  People get old, get sick and die.  Or they die suddenly.  Or their deaths drag on forever. Refusing to love because you want the endgame to be different."

I manifest those issues by eating because it is something I can do, when I can't do anything about what is bothering me.  I bolt from getting involved and opening my heart because I'm afraid it will overpower me or more will be expected of me than I want to give.  I bolt because I'm afraid I can't maintain the higher level I am seeking.

Interestingly, after reading the chapter in the book on "bolting," I was driving over to yoga.  I noticed a car around the corner with someone slumped over and leaning against the window.  Several thoughts went through my mind.  I was afraid she was dead or could be having a medical emergency.  (Probably because I had been thinking about accepting life and death)  I was also reminded of a time my nephew, Cory, pulled up in a parking stall at BYU and became concerned because the woman was not moving and was just sitting there with her keys in her hand.  She had passed away sitting in her car.

So, I turned around and drove by two more times, with still no movement.   Afraid that something was wrong and the elementary school kids would be walking by soon, I parked my car behind her and walked (very nonchalantly) by for a better look.  As I walked by her car she turned her head.  I was very relieved and turned around (very nonchalantly) and went back to my car.

I guess that was an effort on my part to be more engaged in life and what is going on around me.  Or maybe not.