Perspective and Gratitude

The last 4 days have taught me a lesson on perspective.  As mentioned before, this adjustment to the cochlear implant in my right ear has not been easy.  There is the constant "blender" noise going on in that ear at all times, and the ringing continues after I take it off for the night.  That has been driving me crazy and has also had me very worried.

But then on Saturday, along with the noise in one ear, I suddenly couldn't hear in my left ear (even with my hearing aid on).  I went to pick up two friends and take them to our Stake Women's Conference, and I couldn't hear a word they were saying. (I hadn't realized that it was that bad, as Gary had left early that morning for a conference and I hadn't spoken to anyone).

I felt very distressed and filled with panic, and I was supposed to sit on the stand for the opening session.  My friends convinced me I should go home, not worry about it, and that they could get a ride home with someone else.  I admit that I drove home in tears and had a good cry session.   Then I decided that maybe it was better, so I drove down again.  But when I walked in, I found that I still couldn't hear anything and went back home.

Of course, in my mind I'm imagining the very worst -- that the implant is causing me to lose the hearing in my good ear, that I will have the blender noise in my ear forever, and that I made a colossal mistake in having the surgery.

Sunday I cancelled my commitments to do a sharing time and stayed home, as I still couldn't hear. It was the same today.  Finally, Gary was able to get through the red tape of getting an appointment to see my very booked Dr's, and he took me down this afternoon.  I was so grateful for that, as I couldn't hear to talk on the phone or hear what people were saying

Well, as the Dr. said, the problem was the "best case scenario" for what I was experiencing -- my ear was impacted with wax,  Once he removed it, I could hear again.  (I still don't understand how I accumulated so much wax since my appointment last Wednesday, but I'm just glad that is what it was).  The Dr's assured me that it was good I went in today, because it could have been something to be concerned about, and that the implant noise will even out -- that my brain just needs to learn to understand the new noises.

So there lies my lesson on perspective:  Suddenly the "blender in my head" is not so distressing.  I'm just so grateful to have hearing in my left ear, that the accompanying noise in my right ear is just a small (or medium) distraction -- whereas before it was a big problem.  I am very relieved that it was a simple solution.  In the scheme of things this is a small matter, especially compared to life and death issues and chronic illness and disabilities that others have.   But I was definitely feeling very vulnerable and lost


And I am very appreciative that I have a good husband to lean on when I am feeling vulnerable.  I remember when, about a month after Dad died, Mom woke up one morning and couldn't see out of one eye.  I took her into the Eye Dr., and it was a cataract that had closed over.  I remember feeling her vulnerability and thinking how much she must be wishing that Dad was there by her side to give comfort and assurance.  I remember thinking that I wished Dad was there to give both of us comfort and assurance.

This whole experience has definitely been a lesson for me in gratitude for what I do have.  And a lesson on  perspective about what I'm struggling with.