The Significance of Butterflies

This morning I was feeling weighted down with worries and uncertainties.  It is hard to watch people you love go through hard things, and there seems to be a lot of that going around.   

I didn't really feel like going for a walk, but once I pulled myself out of bed and Gary suggested we go, I figured I should.  As we were walking and observing the demolition of the old Edgemont Elementary, a very large monarch butterfly kept circling us.   I was a little annoyed and said, "What is that butterfly doing?"

Then I remembered, and realized, that perhaps I was being sent a little message of inspiration.

What came to mind was an experience I had while we were "Wilderness Youth Conference" leaders about 30 years ago.  I knew I had written my experience down and was looking through some journals, but then remembered that I had blogged about it at one time.  I searched the blog and found this entry from July of 2010:

"Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a camper.  I like the comforts of home and do not seek out challenging outdoor activities.  So when we were called in by the Stake President and asked if we would be group leaders to 10 girls and boys, I was honestly filled with much trepidation.  The more I read up on what we were to do, the more anxiety I felt. 

These were things like:  Meeting the youth, who we didn't know, at 9:30 at night and then leading them on a 5 mile night hike to our campground.  Having only one orange to share for breakfast.  Doing activities like "fireman's net"  and other various obstacle courses and games all day, and then preparing our first meal in the evening.  Those things might not invoke fear in some people, but it certainly did in me.

The week before the youth conference, we had a training day.  On that training day we made the 5 mile hike, and I honestly thought I would die.  I remember standing on the trail in the baking sun wondering if a helicopter would be able to come and get me.  After that training day and during the following week, my anxiety was even worse.  I wanted to call and bow out.  How could I lead the youth when I couldn't be a good leader?  But, I've always believed, and followed my belief, that if I am called to do something that I will do my best and that I will be blessed the rest of the way.   I was blessed. 

The night of the hike, it was like my feet hardly touched the ground.  In fact, at the end of the conference each of us wrote something nice about everyone in the group.  One of the comments made to me was "she is a good hiker."  Ha!  Little did they know.

So, this story is a very long set-up as to why the butterfly has significance to me. 

The last activity of youth conference was to have everyone go off alone for a half hour.   We were to ask God a question and listen for an answer.  That was also somewhat of a new experience for me.  While I often ask God questions, I seldom have the patience to stay still, meditate, and wait for an answer. 

My question was, 'Why does there have to be such sorrow and pain in the world?  Why do some people have to go through so much?'  That was very much on my mind at the time, particularly because of my nephew and niece, Chuck and Christine, who lived with such excruciating pain with EB.   

As I sat in silence in the mountains, a beautiful butterfly flew right in front of me.  As I watched it fly away, my heart lifted and I felt such peace.  What came into my mind was the thought that "without sorrow or pain we would not recognize or appreciate the opposite, which is joy and love and goodness."    I knew that my question had been heard and that I had been given a greater understanding.  The whole wilderness experience, from beginning to end, was one of the hardest and one of the most faith promoting of my life.

Later, when I shared that experience with Lynn (Chuck and Christine's mom), she asked me if I knew that the symbol for EB (Epiderolysis Bullosa) is the butterfly (They have skin as fragile as a butterfly wing which can blister at the slightest touch).    I had never known that, and hearing it gave me an even greater appreciation for my experience on the mountain."   (End of previous blog post)


So, when the butterfly was working so hard to be noticed, I did get the message.  My heart has felt lighter.

And, symbolically, the change (or metamorphosis) of the old Edgemont School being replaced by the new beautiful one, was not lost on me either.

I just watched Music and the Spoken Word

The message is Happiness:  Treasuring the moments of happiness.  Small moments add up to be great treasures.  Happiness is right there in front of you, inside of you in little ways, little moments, little pieces of happiness.

While working with Gary on his history, as we would go back over it, he recognized that he used the word "enjoy" a lot.  He would say that he uses it too much, and would want to rephrase it.   I looked at it as a compliment to him that he did find joy in many, many things.

After the funeral and luncheon at Gary and Lynn's house, we girls went to get pedicures.  Then we all went down to Riverwoods shopping area.  We went in a few of the shops, as Tiffany was looking for a dress for Eliza, but we browsed through the others. Then we ate pizza at Milawi's.

While we were there, I kept thinking to myself that this is the kind of evening that Gary would enjoy, and it made me happy.  He and Lynn have always found great pleasure in enjoying the atmosphere of places and people, no matter where they were.

So, every time I am "enjoying" my experiences, whatever they may be, I will think of Gary --and find joy in what I am blessed to have.

I'm sitting

here in a hotel room in Burlington, Colorado.  We left Misty's this morning and needed to arrive here soon enough so that Gary could do his online independent study sessions from the motel.

We left a day sooner than we had initially thought we would, as my brother, Gary, is going downhill rapidly.  We expect that he may pass away before we get home tomorrow night. I feel such sadness.  I can't imagine a world without Gary in it.

The kids are gathered and Charlene and Richard are going to see him today.  Yesterday Natalie sat with him while Lynn and Leslie went to the mortuary to choose the casket.  I can hardly stand to write that, because it makes it so real.

He has definitely maintained the good fight and done it with grace and dignity -- even though it has been very hard for him.   The image I see in my mind of Gary, when he is free of his mortal body, is of him "striding."  Gary never did anything slowly, until Parkinson's made that impossible.  I love the thought of him striding forward, free from the physical bonds that have hampered his body.  I envision a joyous reunion with Chuck and Christine, Mom and Dad, and all those who love him who have gone on before.

I wonder if they are awaiting his arrival, just like we await the arrival of a new baby.   I just wish I could know now, and not have to wait until I have died to know about the details of this process.  But I have no doubt about the processes.

As I was driving in Kansas today and thinking about Gary, I saw a billboard that said, "If you died today, where would you spend eternity?"   Well, I  have no doubt where Gary will spend it.

When Gary retired, they had all the partners in his law firm write some "evaluations as partner without attribution."  They asked them to "Please write a brief statement of something you value or respect about Gary Anderson."  They were written on 3x5 cards and handwritten.  When I made them into a document and wanted to include them, he was very uncomfortable.  Gary always deflected the attention from himself.

He finally agreed to keep them in his history if it was prefaced with him saying,

"I include these 'Evaluations of Partners without Attribution' not to be self-congratulatory, but because they are meaningful to me from my valued associates.   But, I also wonder what the answer would be if they had asked "Write something about Gary that you do not value or respect!”  But we’ll never know.

Here is what they said:

• ·      A thoroughly HUMAN being – Threw away the key – The most endearing person I know.
• ·      Honesty, integrity, dedication and warmth – along with being a terrific lawyer.
• ·      He always says “yes” and will repair the damage left by others without asking for recognition by the firm.  His hard work over the years when his family situation would have made anyone else ask for a leave or for help.
• ·      Integrity and thoughtfulness.
• ·      Wonderful personality and temperament.  Hardworking, with firm’s interest always at the forefront.
• ·      I can’t comment on Gary’s professional skills, but I understand them to be top quality.  What I see and value is a man with overwhelming decency, and above all, grace, regardless of the pressures he faces.
• ·      Gary is a thoughtful, fair, brilliant lawyer who exudes kindness.  He is a wonderful teacher.
• ·      I respect Gary’s values and courage.  Through many difficult years, Gary has always contributed both in terms of work and in terms of being supportive of his partners.  I admire the fact that although he is of a different religious background than most of us, it never interferes – he is tolerant and accepting of other’s points of view.  Gary has a tremendous ability to verbally express himself and is great in front of judge or jury.
• ·      Courageous and humble.  A classic litigator and wonderful partner.  The man to have in your corner, if you need good lawyering or just good advice.
• ·      I value Gary’s trial skills, his tenacity, his refusal to back down in the face of adversity (such as the M-- case) and his energetic and effective efforts to build an employment practice.  I also appreciate what a nice man he is!
• ·      Terrific role model – holds to highest values, even in times of personal/professional adversity.  A+ trial lawyer. 
• ·      Your wonderful presence and stature and the class you bring to the partnership.   
• ·      Solid human being, great common sense, sincere and moral; cares about people.
• ·      Gary provides the moral antenna for the firm.  His open-mindedness and compassion are remarkable.  Of course, he is also an extraordinary lawyer, but I value his personal integrity most of all. 
• ·      Outstanding human being and lawyer.  He is an essential part of the culture and fabric of this firm and sets an example for all of us. 
• ·      Utterly principled, no hidden agendas.  The consummate trial lawyer.  Tremendous passion and warmth for all those with whom he works.  Loyal to a fault.  One of the best “Big Picture” lawyers I know.  Able to bring practical solutions to difficult problems. 
• ·      By reputation, great trial skills.  By personal observation, great moral and ethical values. 
• ·      Wonderful human being.  Great lawyering skills.  Strong mentor for younger lawyers.  Proud to have him as my partner.
• ·      Gary is always there – steady as a rock- with solid, calm self-effacing advice – willing to work extremely hard and take risks others shy from.  Gary has an equally great skill in dealing with people- a pleasant and warm smile, a kind word, and beneath it the steel to bring in results like Mennen and Nissan.  It is a great comfort to have Gary as a partner, friend and lawyer in my corner.
• ·      Friendliness.  Intensity.  Loyalty.  Legal skill and commitment to practice.  Practices development skills in general and empathy in particular.
• ·      His character – compassion, integrity, honesty.  His skill and tenacity as an advocate.  His courage.  His friendship. 
• ·      Gary has always had a kind and friendly word for me and anyone else I’ve ever seen him come across.
• ·      Warm, outgoing and friendly.  I think Gary is also a decent human being who is a good moral compass.  An excellent grasp of strategy. 
• ·      I admire your thoughtful views on issues that affect the firm and its people.  I also value the friendly way you interact with people and the respect in which your litigation skills are held by those who work with you.
• ·      Aside from Gary’s outstanding legal abilities, Gary provides us something far greater – a thoughtful caring friend who always takes time to help others in the firm.  Gary never lets his ego get in the way of his contributions and always finds something positive to offer. 
• ·      I value and respect Gary’s unflappable and caring nature.

Ok, I've got to stop.  This is making me too emotional.  I love him.

• 
  

Advice in

two words.  Sometimes that is the advice we remember the most. 

When Spencer W. Kimball was President of the church his motto was "Do It."   It covers a broad range of things.  Things we put off and say we will do later.  Changes we need to make in ourselves.  Doing what we know is right even when we don't want to.  It adds a little more punch if you add one more word, "Just Do IT."  Sometimes that is the very hardest thing for me to do, as I can usually find plenty of excuses not to.

Today in General Conference, President Uchtdorf spoke of jealously, envy, gossip,  revenge, judgment, contention, and criticism.  His two word solution was, "Stop It."   Of course he spoke more eloquently and gave examples of how we can do that.  But to just mentally say to ourselves, "Stop it," when we start going down the road of negativity,  judgement, and tearing others down, can be pretty effective. 

So, "Do It," and "Stop It." pack a lot of punch.   Now I just hope that I don't get confused and say "Do It" when I should be saying "Stop It" and vice versa.

A friend loaned me a book,

quite a while ago, that I read and forgot to return.  I came across it again and started re-reading it.   I was telling Gary about it, and so we read it together.  It is called “The Message,” by Lance Richardson. 

The book retells his near death experience and the fact that he was allowed to return so he could share his message.  I love reading and hearing experiences like his.  I really have no doubt there is life after death, because nothing would make sense at all if there was not a continuation of our spirits when we die.   But it is still hard to imagine what it will be like.

There is one thing that really struck me in his account.    He met his grandfather who had passed away when he was just a small boy.  In the conversation, his grandfather said, “I’ve enjoyed helping you and your family so much over the past years.”   When he asked his grandfather what he meant, his grandfather told him that he would be surprised how many of them are involved in their lives.  “In most cases, when you pray to God for help, it is your dead relatives and loved ones who are sent by God to help you in answer to your prayers.  Thus we weld links and bonds of love within the family forever.”

I love that thought, and I believe it.  Who would love to serve us more than our families?  In the author’s accounts, he actually watched as his deceased grandfather whispered in his father’s ear that he needed to be somewhere.   To his father, it was just a thought and reminder that came into his mind.    It makes me think about times that I have felt a nudging or a remembrance that seemed to come from nowhere. 

The most potent personal experience for me was when Dad died.   I wrote of the whole chain of events in my September 24, 2010 blog post.   But, just to summarize,  when dad died I was at Mom and Dad’s trying to fix their vacuum that hadn’t been working.  As I was doing that, the pieces kind of fell apart. To quote from my account:   As I was trying to figure it out, the bottom part finally came apart. But I didn't know how to put it together. I thought I had really made a mess of it then. I was saying in my mind, "Ok, Dad, you've got to help me with this." As soon as I said that, my fingers just kind of put everything back into place. I was actually kind of stunned, not really sure how it had happened. I started vacuuming with it to make sure it worked, when the phone rang. I answered it, and it was Charlene telling that Dad had died a minute ago. The first thought in my mind was, "He helped me with the vacuum." I just knew that as his spirit left this earth, he made a little stop to help me as I had asked him to. It softened the sadness at not being there for him when he died. As I drove back to the hospital and my aunts were watching for me, the first words out of my mind were, "Dad helped me fix the vacuum." It was truly a tender mercy to me.

I think we truly will be surprised at how close our loved ones are to us.  And how much ancestors we never met here on earth, are desirous of our well- being.    It is also a little daunting to think that they can see some of the less than wise things I do!  But I know that when I am gone, I will be vitally interested in the well-being of my children, grandchildren, and all their children yet to be.  

Here is a picture of the vacuum bottom. 

 I just can't let myself part with it.

And here is a picture of the cookies I’m going to give me friend when I return the book. Maybe it will make up for my tardiness in returning it.

I'm sitting

in a beautiful condo in Park City. Gary is at a conference.  I brought with me a bag full of articles I've clipped out of  newspapers or magazines.  When something I read inspires me, I want to remember it, so I clip them out for future use.  Unfortunately, that is about as far as it goes.  So while I'm sitting here, I'm finding the articles online so I can have them easily accessible. 

One I've come across, is an article from the Deseret News newspaper.  Here is a link:  It's Not the Play-dough that I love

The author is telling about how she really doesn't enjoy play-dough, even though her son wants her to play with it with him.  To quote from the article:

  "I've always assumed that "other moms" love the sometimes-mundane intricacies of motherhood – chasing toddlers across the swing-y bridge at the park, listening to every single detail about the latest episode of "Phineas and Ferb," spending three hours looking through racks of colorful T-shirts while preteens deliberate what will look best to their school friends – but as I watched Spencer's sheer delight at smashing the reds, yellows, and blues into every shade of the spectrum, I came to understand that naturally loving the details is irrelevant. It's the feelings about our children that matter. 

When I read it, the part I've underlined truly touched upon my feelings as a grandmother.  At the time, Tiffany and the kids were visiting, and Ashton was very into Pokemon cards.  He wanted someplace to store them, so we gathered some plastic baseball-card sleeves that I had sitting around (from a long ago project), and we put them in a binder.   We looked through that book many times and  I heard a lot about Pokemon cards and who is the most powerful, etc.  I think most of it went in one ear and out the other, but the memory of sitting and watching his face and hearing him tell me about them will stay forever.

The following Sunday, there was a lesson on showing love in a family.  When asked what some of the most important ways to show love in a family are, this article came to mind.  I thought to myself, "I don't love Pokemon cards, but I love Ashton, so I want to spend time hearing about them from him."

Really, the best thing we can give someone and show them our love, is to give them our time, attention, and listening ear.  I often forget that when I'm so involved in the minutia of every day life.   Sometimes it takes more mental or physical energy than I want to give.  But this article is a wonderful reminder of where we should place our priorities.