On Pride, and

denial, and bolting to avoid feeling.  I have a lot of pride.  I always have.  I have a perception of what I should be, and feel shame about those things I'm not.  I feel shame that I'm not what people think I am.  I feel shame that I have "bad" or negative feelings.  Rather than acknowledging  feelings that I don't want to feel or deal with, I "bolt" into obsessions.  Sometimes it is food.  Sometimes it is projects.  Sometimes it is shopping.  Sometimes it is feeling overwhelmed and tired.  It can be anything, as long as I'm not facing what I'm really feeling.  Facing is not actually the "right" word -- facing implies conflict (see, I'm judging a word as good or bad).  "Acknowledging" is a "good" word.  "Accepting" is an even "better" word.    

Why am I thinking about this right now?  A couple of reasons. 

ONE: I've been reading a book "Woman, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth.  Misty told me about it.  I've read her articles in Good Housekeeping for years, and she always makes so much sense.  Basically, her premise is that when we have obsessions, we are avoiding what we're really feeling.  We don't trust ourselves (and thus God) that we can handle whatever it is that is worrying us, or making us sad, or lonely, or angry, or not good enough.  Thus we use obsessions as a way of avoiding or diverting the issue.

TWO:  At the General Relief Society meeting, President Monson spoke about not judging.  He quoted Mother Theresa as saying, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."   He also said,   "Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down; it is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others."  

Both of those quotes apply to

not only how we judge others,

but how we judge ourselves.  

I haven't finished  "Women, Food, and God" yet.  But I'm at the part where she suggests that instead of avoiding our feelings that we "inquire."    I like the word "inquire."  It is not threatening.  It feels non-judgemental.  To me it means looking into, seeking to understand.

As I was thinking of all this, a memory that Mom told me about comes to mind.  I was in the first grade and learning to read.  My teacher told Mom that I was not learning to read very well and that I was in the lower reading group.  She said that I would avoid reading time by saying that I needed to go to the bathroom.  Mom told the teacher that she didn't know what was going on, because I came home and read every book to her perfectly.   I'm not sure how it all evolved, but after that, the teacher put me in a higher level reading group, and that within a week I was in the highest reading group.   (My only memories of all this are little flashbacks of hiding out in the bathroom and sitting in a circle of people feeling good because I was reading with them.)

There was a pattern there very early.  Judgement (that I was dumb because I was in the lowest reading group - Shame (I cannot accept that I am in the lowest reading group) - Bolting (hiding out in the bathroom).  When I think of that little six year old girl (me in this case) and her feelings of inadequacy, I want to comfort her and tell her that what reading group she is in doesn't matter.  I want to take any little child that is hurting and tell them that it will all work out and that they are OK just the way they are.

Well, we are all little children.  And we are all OK just the way we are.  That's not to say we can't become better.  But we can't make positive changes if we don't understand what we are feeling and come to understand that we can deal with it regardless of what it is.   Going back to Mother Theresa's statement, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."   That goes with judging ourselves, too.   If we are so wrapped up in judging, even when it is of ourselves, we have no time to love others.

Well, this has been a long discourse.  And very "self" oriented.  Which makes me feel exposed,  Which makes me wonder what people will think of me.  Which makes me want to not post it and pretend I don't feel this way.  But I'm not going to bolt.  I pushing "publish post" NOW!