Social

Awareness.

We started back with our "Power of Feeling" workshop today.   Once again there is a lot to take in, so I'm going to write it as I understand it.

Today we discussed how we communicate with each other, particularly when we are problem solving.   We all communicate from the basis of our own perceptions, and no two people's perceptions of the same situation are the same.   So, the goal is to create an emotionally safe place where each person feels valued and respected and can express their feelings safely without judgement.

All of us are at times emotionally unavailable in different ways.  When we are, it is almost always because we are trying to protect ourselves. 

Visualize a square.

One corner represents a "Fixer."   A fixer is someone who wants to jump in and fix the problem and save the day.  A fixer tends to attract people who don't want to take responsibility.   The fixer's needs are met through the approval, appreciation,  and praise they are given.

Another corner represents a "Player."  A player doesn't want to take responsibility and thinks that nothing is a big deal.  They just want to play and act like there is no problem.

Another corner represents a "Blamer."  A blamer never sees their contribution to a problem and never owns up to or takes responsibility.  They are always right.  It's never their fault or problem.

The last corner is the "Victim."   The victim feels they have no control over their situation because of biology or fate or other circumstances.   They have a "poor me" mentality and feel that because of their circumstances they cannot change and have no responsibility for the problem.

In the middle of the square is the "Problem Solver."  That is not to be confused with just listening when someone needs to "vent."  In that case it is best to just listen and validate their feelings.  It is not to be confused with the "fixer," who just wants to jump in and solve other's problems whether the problems involve them or not. 
In "Problem Solving" it involves two people who are having a problem between themselves that needs to be discussed.  That is where we bring our own perceptions and our own communication styles.  The problem solving becomes difficult when one or both of you are using the one of the four methods above and are not in a space where you can feel emotionally honest and socially responsible.

Now, do I understand all of this?  I have a glimmer of understanding.  I definitely recognize myself in all of those different communication styles.  I recognize others in all of those different communication styles.

Recognizing and understanding is one thing.   Using that understanding to change how we problem solve is another thing.  If the understanding helps us change the way we interact and communicate with others, then it is valuable.

So what do you do when you want to communicate and discuss a problem, but the other person is not willing to engage in a respectful and honest communication?  If they are stuck in one of the four corners of the square?   Or what if someone wants an honest conversation with you, but you are not comfortable with it and are not ready to be be emotionally honest?

Big questions.

That's our challenge this week.  Figuring out how we problem solve with people who don't want to problem solve, but want to be the fixer, the blamer, the player, or the victim.  Or if we are that person, how we change.

I'll probably read this later and realize it makes no sense.   But if I don't write it, It will definitely not make any sense in my mind.  So bear with me.  We'll solve this problem together.