Sometimes

I forget that I'm very hard of hearing.  I'm very aware of it when my hearing aids are out, because I'm about 90% deaf without them.  In fact, thinking of going out in public without my hearing aids gives me a very panicked feeling.  I never step outside the house without them in.  It is a very vulnerable feeling.

When I say I forget about my hearing loss, what I mean is that while I'm probably missing a lot, I don't know I am.  I'm sure others are aware that I'm not hearing, but I'm oblivious to it.    Kind of like the philosophy of, "What you don't know can't hurt you."   In group settings I miss a lot, especially if I'm not looking at the person who is speaking.   But I have no problem asking people to repeat what they said and I've learned to read lips very well.   I've also learned to fake it really well, which is not something to be proud of.   But it saves a lot of confusion and extra effort on every one's part.

Why I'm writing about this right now is because the testing atmosphere has made me very aware of just how bad my hearing loss is.  It's really almost comical.  First of all, I don't hear whispers.  The testing is supposed to be a quiet environment, so every conversation is soft.    If a student or teacher has a question for me, it usually takes about 3 times for me to get the message.  And even then, it is not because I necessarily hear them but because I have picked up from the body language what they are wanting.  Like a girl comes up and asks me a question.  Finally after a couple of tries, and I'm sure a look total denseness on my face, she holds up a tissue and I realize she is wondering where the garbage can is. 

Fortunately, the testing job is more about efficiency and organization that hearing, so I can handle it short term.    But I would definitely not be able to work in a quiet environment. 

And it's not just quiet environments that are a problem.  When I was working on the Stake RS committee with a group of ladies, I didn't even think about mentioning my hearing loss and the need to talk louder.  And it wasn't a problem in our small meetings in the home.  But when we were decorating and setting up in the big cultural hall, I realized that I was missing a lot and basically drawing a blank when someone would say something to me.  Finally I thought to mention that I was hard of hearing and that I didn't hear things well from a distance or when I wasn't looking at them.  (Maybe I deserve to be thought of as less than bright.  Not because of my hearing loss, but because I forget to mention that I have a hearing loss until it becomes an obvious issue.)

I always try to remember my experiences when I find myself being too quick to judge a person by their actions or their response to something.  We rarely know the whole story or what kind of physical or emotional handicaps they may be dealing with.   Being aware of and honest about our own vulnerabilities, definitely helps us feel more tolerant toward others.